You post something and keep checking the likes. You redo an outfit because of one comment. You ask three friends before making a simple decision, then still feel unsure. If other people's reactions have a remote control over your mood, you're dealing with validation-seeking.
Wanting approval is human. But when you need it to feel okay, it becomes exhausting. This guide explains why it happens and gives you practical steps and scripts to rely more on your own judgement.
Why we crave approval
Humans are social animals. For most of history, being accepted by the group mattered for survival, so it makes sense that disapproval feels uncomfortable. The problem isn't caring what others think. It's when their opinion becomes the only measure of whether you're doing okay.
Research by Jennifer Crocker and colleagues on "contingent self-worth" suggests that when your sense of worth depends heavily on outside approval or success, your mood tends to rise and fall sharply with each outcome. That's the rollercoaster many people recognise.
Signs you're relying too much on validation
- You struggle to make decisions without asking others first.
- You change your opinion quickly when someone disagrees.
- A lack of reply feels like rejection.
- You over-explain or over-apologise to avoid seeming rude.
- Praise feels good for minutes; criticism stays with you for days.
1. Remember: people notice you less than you think
In a well-known 2000 study, Thomas Gilovich and colleagues asked students to walk into a room wearing an embarrassing T-shirt. The wearers estimated that about half the room would notice it. In reality, far fewer did. Psychologists call this the spotlight effect.
Most people are busy thinking about themselves. That's not sad; it's freeing.
2. Decide before you ask
Before asking anyone's opinion, write down what you'd choose and why. Then, if you still want input, ask. You'll often find you already knew. Over time, reduce how often you ask at all for small decisions: meals, clothes, what to watch, how to word a text.
Try this today: the 24-hour rule
Make one decision today without asking anyone and wait 24 hours before telling people about it. Notice that the decision holds up fine without a committee.
3. Create a gap between posting and checking
If you share things online, try posting and then not opening the app for at least two hours. Or hide like counts where the app allows it. The goal is to share because you want to, not to collect a score.
4. Build your own scorecard
If you don't have your own measure of a good day, you'll borrow someone else's. At the end of each day, ask yourself three questions:
- Did I act in line with what I care about?
- Did I try, even if it didn't go perfectly?
- What did I learn?
These are things only you can judge. Nobody else's likes can answer them.
5. Receive compliments without deflecting
Validation-seekers often crave praise and then reject it: "Oh, this old thing?" Practise simply saying "Thank you, I'm glad you liked it." Accepting praise calmly helps it land, so you need less of it.
6. Sort criticism into "useful" and "not mine"
Not every opinion deserves equal weight. When you get criticism, ask:
- Does this person understand what I was trying to do?
- Is there something specific I can use?
- Would I take their advice on other things?
Keep the useful part. Let the rest go with a simple, "Thanks, I'll think about that."
It also helps to choose, in advance, whose opinions you really value on a given topic: a mentor at work, a friend with good taste, a relative who knows you well. Their feedback gets careful thought. A stranger's comment on a post gets far less.
7. Practise small disapproval
The fear of disapproval shrinks when you survive it. Start with low-stakes moments: share a different opinion about a film, order what you actually want, say no to an optional invitation. Each time, notice that the relationship is still fine.
Some useful scripts:
- "I see it differently, actually."
- "That doesn't work for me, but thanks for asking."
- "I've decided to go with this option."
Notice what's missing: long explanations and apologies. The Assertiveness Prime Protocol gives you a daily routine for building this muscle.
8. Give yourself the validation you're looking for
What exactly do you hope others will say? "You did well." "You're good enough." "You made the right call." Write it down. Then practise saying it to yourself, honestly and specifically: "I prepared well for that meeting." The Inner Strength Prime Protocol is designed to help you build this steady, internal voice.
PRIME AFFIRMATIONS · READ THEM ALOUD
I trust my own judgement.
Other people's opinions are information, not instructions.
I can be liked by some and not by others, and still be okay.
For more short statements to read each morning, see the Confident Prime Affirmations.
Start today
Choose one small decision today and make it alone. Tonight, answer your three scorecard questions. Wanting connection and approval won't disappear, and it shouldn't. The aim is simply that it becomes a nice extra, not the thing holding you up.
The 5-Minute Start Method (free toolkit)
A free printable toolkit to get started on anything in five minutes, even when you don't feel like it.
If worry about what others think is causing you significant distress or making you avoid everyday situations, talk to your GP or a qualified professional. This article is general self-development, not medical advice.
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